Today is a very very very VERY hard day. I'm almost on the verge of
tears. My stomach is weak in my belly. I'm so stressed out.
My mother and brother are coming into town today. I feel like this is
doomsday. How to get along with them?
I wanted to smoke SO BAD. I thought about it, and thought about it.
But then I realized, they would smell it on my clothes. Then I
thought, I could change my clothes. Then I realized they would smell
it on my hair. Also, a trainer is coming tomorrow to the house for a
meeting. I realized, I would be all wheezy and coughing.
So, what else could I do? I popped in a piece of Nicorette gum. Thank
*G-D* it works.
This is so sad. I don't get along with my family any more.
I just tried to think to myself, are there any Bob Dylan lines for
such an occasion. The only thing that pops into my head are the lines
from In the Summertime, "You were closer to me than my next of kin,
when they didn't want to know or see." But that doesn't quite apply.
Who is so close to me? Nobody. My damn COMPUTER. These lines have
applied to Bob Dylan for me, in my fantasy imagination when I was
"with" Bob Dylan in my heart, but now that I have the Internet, and I
know that he is "out there," it can't apply to Bob Dylan, ESPECIALLY
when he is on VACATION, lol.
This really sucks. OK, I have to try and think positive. I have to try
and put my best foot forward, and make this as nice as possible. I
need a positive attitude. I have to try and be nice. I'm sure they are
going to try and do the same.
One of my aunt's on my mother's side, through marriage, sent me
pictures of my cousin's wedding, which is why they came out here.
Everybody looked so skinny and well-dressed. I mean, I would have just
been a total freak. Fat and I don't even have those kinds of clothes
which fit. I live in my sweats and T-****rts. G-d, I feel like such a
loser.
I don't know why Bob Dylan doesn't make me feel like a loser. I don't
know, I look at his pictures, and I feel like he would be accepting,
that he understands.
I feel like I come from a family of snobs. :(
They better be nice to me.
I don't know what we are going to talk about.
Thank G-d for the gum.
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