Mom is sleeping sitting up on the couch. I covered her with a blanket.
She looks so sweet.
I am dying to smoke.
Something about this is annoying.
Not Mom.
It's just that her presence is overwhelming, and I don't know what to
do with her here. I feel weird sitting on the couch watching TV with
her next to me sleeping. I asked her if she wanted to go to bed (lie
down), but she said no, she was comfortable just sleeping sitting up
for now, because it's not really bedtime yet.
It's weird.
I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck here in no man's land, in the closet, as far away from this
situation about which I don't know what to do, so the only thing left
is to write.
Ugh.
CIGARETTE!
HELP!
I guess I need another piece of gum.
Yes, time for more gum.
I don't feel Mr. Dylan's love for me right now.
I think maybe he reads RMD every now and then, but not everything, and
that's really insulting, but then again, I don't even like his radio
show that much, I mean, it's amusing every now and then, to hear him,
I love him VERY MUCH, but just because I am not a big fan, that
doesn't mean I don't want to marry him and swim in his pool. ha ha.
I'm just being testily cute. It's rude to talk about what he has, that
is enticing. And I can get everything I want that he has for myself,
anyway, but because of my inhibitions due to weight, I'm putting my
life on hold. I almost never think about it. Not on purpose, but it's
because, HONESTLY, it's not HIM, and THAT is what I like to focus on,
because THAT is the BEST PART, and THAT is probably why I am so
obsessed with his *****, because that's probably the best thing about
him. LOL!
CAN'T WAIT MR. DILL PICKLE!
****
Alright, I've figured out what to do.
I'm just going to let Mom be, but move my little party into the
bedroom. I already took my meds including three (yes, I took one more
than prescribed) Xanax, BUT I AM TRYING TO KNOCK MYSELF OUT TO FALL
ASLEEP! I HAVE A VERY HARD TIME FALLING ASLEEP, and the trainer is
coming tomorrow at 12:30, I HAVE TO GET TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!! I'm not
trying to get high or feel anything. I just want to fall asleep. But I
am wide awake! UGH!
My cousin was here, she just got married, and she said something, we
were talking about my weight (ugh), and she said some people use food
like a drug, and I realized, that is exactly what I am doing at night.
I am trying to literally KNOCK MYSELF OUT, because I can't fall
asleep. I would rather take PILLS, J.C,! Also, I didn't realize this,
but all that coffee I drink during the day, no WONDER I can't sleep at
night. And on top of this, no exercise, no WONDER I'm never tired.
Well, all this is getting fixed.
No more cream. No more than two cups of coffee, if I have to drink it
at all. Training three times a week, ****tion control, small meals
frequently throughout the day to speed up my metabolsim, the right
foods, nutritious foods, and by george, I think she's actually doing
it.
And oh yeah. Quitting smoking.
I'm really proud of myself.
But I am just really impatient to start seeing some RESULTS.
My cousin says it's going to take some time to change my metabolism,
because my body doesn't TRUST me yet. I thought that was an
interesting take on things.
Alright, that is all. Mom woke up and wants to use the computer.
Gotta go.
Rachel
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