Just in case you're not familiar with it, The Onion is a humor
publication. (translation: somebody just made this **** up...)
whm
Steven Tyler Laid Off From Aerosmith As Band's Jobless Rate Hits 20%
BOSTON=97After years of relative stability, the Aerosmith unemployment
rate soared to an all-time high of 20 percent Monday following the
downsizing of the band's vocal sector, Steven Tyler.
Tyler, already dangerously underweight, says he will struggle to put
food on the table without a steady income.
The announcement of the largest-ever round of Aerosmith layoffs sent
shock waves throughout the group, but band leaders said that four
decades of perfect employment was "unrealistic" and that it was
necessary to shed some of the graying, outmoded workforce.
"Explaining to a longtime Aerosmith employee that his or her job is
being eliminated is one of the most difficult challenges we face in
this business," Aerosmith manager Trudy Green said in a statement
released this morning. "We thank Steven for his many years of loyal
service, and wish him the best of luck in all his future endeavors."
Analysts speculate that the sector-wide layoff was a result of
multiple factors, including redundancies in the singing-songwriting
division, rising rehab fees that have cost the group millions, and a
34 percent decline in jump-kicks since 2003. In addition, some of
Aerosmith's younger, more ambitious employees, such as Joe Perry, 57,
are willing to sing and play an instrument at the same time, often for
half the salary.
"Tying a scarf to a microphone stand is unfortunately no longer a
marketable skill," IndustryWeek editor David Blanchard said. "To
compete in today's job market, you need to diversify your skill set.
Someone who can not only sing, but also play tambourine and haul heavy
equipment, is infinitely more valuable to a company."
Aerosmith, whose unemployment rate has held steady at 0 percent since
the start-up rock outfit went public in 1970, recently underwent a
paradigm ****ft away from what many deemed an antiquated business
model. In the early 2000s, Aerosmith stopped manufacturing hits and
instead began to focus primarily on repackaging and redistributing its
existing product. This, Green said, made Tyler dispensable.
Tyler was re****tedly informed of the decision 45 minutes before the
band was scheduled to go onstage for a performance, and was told to
pack up his belongings and turn in his Aerosmith "wings" pin before
the audience arrived.
"Thirty-eight years of work, and this is the thanks I get?" said
Tyler, who was set to retire in just 18 months. "It's embarrassing.
When [guitarist] Ray [Tabano] left back in '71, we all got treated to
a nice dinner and some cake on his last day. And he was only in the
band for five months."
"The only reason I came on with Aerosmith in the first place was the
job security," added Tyler, who said that after nearly 40 years of
waking up at 5 p.m. sharp and going to work, he won't know what to do
with himself when unemployed. "And I liked being able to come in
wearing an unbuttoned leather ****rt and a leopard-print cowboy hat.
Where else am I going to find a job like that?"
Morale among the remaining Aerosmith employees, Tyler's coworkers
said, is low.
"I'm going to miss Steven," said rhythm guitarist Brad Whitford. "He
was a good guy, and, I don't know, I thought he sang pretty well."
This cost-cutting personnel change is Aerosmith's most radical ****ft
in economic model since the band's experiments as a drug-trafficking
cartel from 1978 to 1984, their brief 1986 merger with Run-DMC, and
their short-lived 1994 attempt to switch over to fabricating
microchips.
"This restructuring is exactly what Aerosmith needs right now," said
Justin Levine, an analyst at Lehman Brothers. "Frankly, they've been
in brand decline since that Super Bowl halftime show with Britney
Spears."
"Everyone was hurt badly in the big 1998 Armageddon Bubble," said Bill
Griffeth, host of CNBC's Power Lunch. "At that point, practically
everyone=97even members of the younger generation=97bought into Aerosmith,
but it was clear that they would not be able to sustain that level of
global interest. In truth, purchasing any of their material since Get
A Grip has involved a substantial level of risk."
Tyler is not the only one in the industry to be affected by the recent
recession. In January, Bad Company was outsourced to China, and just
last week, Don Henley of the Eagles was replaced by a drum machine.
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